I feel goose bumps while writing at this place. It seems like a very longtime ago that i used to be here, eager to see what people think. thought and still carry on. Nothing much has changed except that now i am not so eager and don't need such a higher platform.

I write here today just to let myself know, that nothing ever ends, its just the way it looks and is seen...

I feel...thats a thought...i hope u know how to behave with.

live a life...like a blip...just before the screen goes blank.

savour nothingness

Talk sense...moreoever live it...as much as possible listen.

Truth...hold it...dont make it too obvious...it just kills the lie u like living momentarily.

Tears. they will always make you happier(the word is relative)

fight only if u think it will make a difference...nothing does...be lazy and don't sulk.

Music u can only listen to...dont think of creating it...the day u do...u will die with nothing to do.

Stay close...u will loose more than u can compensate for.

Smile...everyones watching. But do cry if u wanna keep going.

brief history in time

I have for one, no idea what's happenning around here, a friend made me write again. Sorry altaf i couldn't make it to your gig today, it wasn't that I couldn't but it just didn't work out and I did not work in the direction of getting there either, so I hope you will forgive me.

 I haven't been reading my subscribed bloggers, since I no more check the e-mail account attached to xanga, the last I came to doing that was when I couldn't find and official mail since it was sent at this  particular address and so.. 

I have as of yet met up with three people who wirte on xanga and they were all that I presumed them to be, very warm, sensitive and wise individuals, there was this another person whom i saw performing but didn't meet up with but even that person was very sweet and all of the above. In one such meeting I remember a gentleman saying that it is much better meeting with people in person than with their virtual image, I didn't know what opinion I should have had then about it and.... I still don't. 

The need to write doesn't occur to me since i still haven't thought enough, atleast not enough to have a real opinion about things. I get affected with things that happen at the subminimal level. I just don't want anyone to be affected by something I just happen to say because i am a little hurt, happy or plain dum, which I might add I have been all of the above emotions in the years that I have written on xanga. I might be going too far by assuming that I actually affect someone, but I fail to take the risk involved if the possibilty ever exists.

Spiritual guidance is something I never had, atleast not formally. I don't go to any place of worship to keep me out of harms way or as a ritual, but I visit them for their enormity of structure, the silence, the whiteness, and the faith with which the people enter and exit. I find the same with people around children. God is or is not, is a question of being and I chose my answer a long time ago. So I am not going to spend my life on that quest.

Work has been my constant source of enlightenment. I am happy when I work, then may it be anything that intrigues me at that moment. I like the rush of deadlines, the frustration, the research, the focus. I feel that all this is the purpose of my being. I fail and I have a  good history of failing at things that  would be considered as blasphemy, ....and I live with it, knowing it, everytime i am put up with the same kind of challenges, but I know if it needs to be done then it needs to be done,  I sit with my history and talk to it, cry with it, I put my splints and wear ear plugs, and a better armour which fails again,  but that's not the intention I wear it with in the first place, it does the job I need it to do....and that will do. I am not the only one doing it.

I hope all those who recieve this, do so in good health, for it is a healing experiance anyways....that is to listen and be heard. It sooths the soul in places you never knew existed....Take care.

Currently Reading The Witch of Portobello By Paulo Coelho see related

*what it means is this

IF there were these asterix all over my life span then I would be a very busy man, because I suffer from self proclaimed obsessive compulsive disorder, and I would have to solve the given puzzle. For some, these signs are very obvious like the Condom adds in the train compartments, which makes you understand why everybody is so happy standing in that awkward position for hours! For me it is not very easy because I was born out of sheer frustration, that if it is not a son this time then this is our last child, So at conception I must have been given an asterix besides a sign called hoose testosterone?hanging on a voluptuous naked woman, It is a different story that me being merely around four weeks old and being illiterate couldn have possibly understood what the sign meant and also that I was aiming for the woman. So what would be the reason in case I chose to be a female, other than being a shock to my mother at being so consistent?! I guess in that case I would want to be that voluptuous woman, in which case the sign won matter too. As in I am being a non-sexist, in making a choice depending on the signs we see, they are same for everybody, the fun lies in interpreting them, more so in the way they are interpreted. I had an encounter today with two women, both were lesser educated than I am, and were confident beyond doubt that I was wrong. This is a very controversial statement, because I left a very important piece of information out, that I in fact was right! Not very convincing is it? When they walked into my office, they needed to be considered for further consideration which was based on their belief. I on the other hand could not find a way to argue with them, one because of ever demented communication skills which have been hammered due to other non-specific reasons in life, and the other because I was seeing a sign on their heads, which read, on even try to duel with me, since when you will be using a knife, I possess an electric chain saw? I took all the battering, for the sole reason being my wish, to get over with the situation as soon as possible, which thankfully lasted for what seemed like an age! A few days ago I could not read a sign which read a proposal written all over it, and when it came, I was stumped, I had no floor beneath my feet, and the sky seemed to have lost it meaning. I was thinking about all the things that I should not have done in order for it have happened, and after doing that it seems that I had been blind for quiet some time now! Wanted to learn piano, didn do that! Wanted to open a sound company of my own, didn do that either! Wanted to buy a car, my own car, don think that will happen! Had a lucrative job opportunity, and haven called them back. Took up something that has broken me to bits everytime I took it up, and it makes me feel at home! I wonder what I read or where I read it, but it seems like a language, I know since before I was born.   

 Major

let me complete this post

 This is a plea to every factor from me wanting to pee to the server shutting down just before I submit a post. For once just let me complete this one. i had written four times before this post and all of them just vanished into thin air because of some unavoidably stupid reason. Anyways stupidity has only slowed me down but it has just added one catch, made me stupid enough to choose the hard way and live. Does a thing like "the thought counts" exist is what I was gonna talk abou, since i do some amazingly crazy things as far as thinking is concerned, but only what manifests into actions matters. It is an overwhelming thing to see someone do things that others could only dream about, for example xtreme sports, fighting for a cause and being brutally murdered because you did so, so the thought that matters is actually the one which is continually sought after made strong enough is ustified by an individuals logic and also instincts and the last and the most important of all whether it manifests or not, if it does't then there is no point in it, writers have been able to affect people through history, fiction or fantasy due to the same principle, they did not keep their thought with themselves, they let it out on to the world,and when they proof read they are continually trying to make some sense out of it, for it to have the maximum desired effect. Corporate houses were made through enterprizing attitudes of the people working in it, alll they beleived in was to work and make money and hence they achieve it through the course of time some big and some small. It is like if certain amount of money is overwhelming to you it shall form a point beyond the one at which you shall be satisfied, and on the other hand if at all some one thinks that no amount of money is enough then he/she will allign in order to achieve it. Movement is the crux of everything. If humans were a powerful thought they must have chosen to move in order to live life's fulness, some might consider it a hurdle but it teaches a lot if one is ready to understand. Anyone can become whatever one wishes to, it is a matter of time, perseverance and damn it the bloody phone had to ring right now, so you see someone really wanted to get to me and he did. I hope I clear enough of me balbering things which made sense for more than two sentences, now I can sleep, all this because the fever and myalgia kept me awake for the past two days and I can stop my brain to stop racing, write delete, write delete and so on and so forth. God help me!