I have for one, no idea what's happenning around here, a friend made me write again. Sorry altaf i couldn't make it to your gig today, it wasn't that I couldn't but it just didn't work out and I did not work in the direction of getting there either, so I hope you will forgive me.

 I haven't been reading my subscribed bloggers, since I no more check the e-mail account attached to xanga, the last I came to doing that was when I couldn't find and official mail since it was sent at this  particular address and so.. 

I have as of yet met up with three people who wirte on xanga and they were all that I presumed them to be, very warm, sensitive and wise individuals, there was this another person whom i saw performing but didn't meet up with but even that person was very sweet and all of the above. In one such meeting I remember a gentleman saying that it is much better meeting with people in person than with their virtual image, I didn't know what opinion I should have had then about it and.... I still don't. 

The need to write doesn't occur to me since i still haven't thought enough, atleast not enough to have a real opinion about things. I get affected with things that happen at the subminimal level. I just don't want anyone to be affected by something I just happen to say because i am a little hurt, happy or plain dum, which I might add I have been all of the above emotions in the years that I have written on xanga. I might be going too far by assuming that I actually affect someone, but I fail to take the risk involved if the possibilty ever exists.

Spiritual guidance is something I never had, atleast not formally. I don't go to any place of worship to keep me out of harms way or as a ritual, but I visit them for their enormity of structure, the silence, the whiteness, and the faith with which the people enter and exit. I find the same with people around children. God is or is not, is a question of being and I chose my answer a long time ago. So I am not going to spend my life on that quest.

Work has been my constant source of enlightenment. I am happy when I work, then may it be anything that intrigues me at that moment. I like the rush of deadlines, the frustration, the research, the focus. I feel that all this is the purpose of my being. I fail and I have a  good history of failing at things that  would be considered as blasphemy, ....and I live with it, knowing it, everytime i am put up with the same kind of challenges, but I know if it needs to be done then it needs to be done,  I sit with my history and talk to it, cry with it, I put my splints and wear ear plugs, and a better armour which fails again,  but that's not the intention I wear it with in the first place, it does the job I need it to do....and that will do. I am not the only one doing it.

I hope all those who recieve this, do so in good health, for it is a healing experiance anyways....that is to listen and be heard. It sooths the soul in places you never knew existed....Take care.