major_flaw's Xanga

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:59:24 GMT

I feel goose bumps while writing at this place. It seems like a very longtime ago that i used to be here, eager to see what people think. thought and still carry on. Nothing much has changed except that now i am not so eager and don't need such a higher platform.

I write here today just to let myself know, that nothing ever ends, its just the way it looks and is seen...

I feel...thats a thought...i hope u know how to behave with.

live a life...like a blip...just before the screen goes blank.

savour nothingness

Talk sense...moreoever live it...as much as possible listen.

Truth...hold it...dont make it too obvious...it just kills the lie u like living momentarily.

Tears. they will always make you happier(the word is relative)

fight only if u think it will make a difference...nothing does...be lazy and don't sulk.

Music u can only listen to...dont think of creating it...the day u do...u will die with nothing to do.

Stay close...u will loose more than u can compensate for.

Smile...everyones watching. But do cry if u wanna keep going.

brief history in time

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 19:46:35 GMT

I have for one, no idea what's happenning around here, a friend made me write again. Sorry altaf i couldn't make it to your gig today, it wasn't that I couldn't but it just didn't work out and I did not work in the direction of getting there either, so I hope you will forgive me.

I haven't been reading my subscribed bloggers, since I no more check the e-mail account attached to xanga, the last I came to doing that was when I couldn't find and official mail since it was sent at this particular address and so..

I have as of yet met up with three people who wirte on xanga and they were all that I presumed them to be, very warm, sensitive and wise individuals, there was this another person whom i saw performing but didn't meet up with but even that person was very sweet and all of the above. In one such meeting I remember a gentleman saying that it is much better meeting with people in person than with their virtual image, I didn't know what opinion I should have had then about it and.... I still don't.

The need to write doesn't occur to me since i still haven't thought enough, atleast not enough to have a real opinion about things. I get affected with things that happen at the subminimal level. I just don't want anyone to be affected by something I just happen to say because i am a little hurt, happy or plain dum, which I might add I have been all of the above emotions in the years that I have written on xanga. I might be going too far by assuming that I actually affect someone, but I fail to take the risk involved if the possibilty ever exists.

Spiritual guidance is something I never had, atleast not formally. I don't go to any place of worship to keep me out of harms way or as a ritual, but I visit them for their enormity of structure, the silence, the whiteness, and the faith with which the people enter and exit. I find the same with people around children. God is or is not, is a question of being and I chose my answer a long time ago. So I am not going to spend my life on that quest.

Work has been my constant source of enlightenment. I am happy when I work, then may it be anything that intrigues me at that moment. I like the rush of deadlines, the frustration, the research, the focus. I feel that all this is the purpose of my being. I fail and I have a good history of failing at things that would be considered as blasphemy, ....and I live with it, knowing it, everytime i am put up with the same kind of challenges, but I know if it needs to be done then it needs to be done, I sit with my history and talk to it, cry with it, I put my splints and wear ear plugs, and a better armour which fails again, but that's not the intention I wear it with in the first place, it does the job I need it to do....and that will do. I am not the only one doing it.

I hope all those who recieve this, do so in good health, for it is a healing experiance anyways....that is to listen and be heard. It sooths the soul in places you never knew existed....Take care.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 06:27:10 GMT

I feel calm, strong and sure of what I want. I am not looking for the best words to describe wht I feel, It is...I am, I will.

*what it means is this

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 13:30:25 GMT

IF there were these asterix all over my life span then I would be a very busy man, because I suffer from self proclaimed obsessive compulsive disorder, and I would have to solve the given puzzle. For some, these signs are very obvious like the Condom adds in the train compartments, which makes you understand why everybody is so happy standing in that awkward position for hours! For me it is not very easy because I was born out of sheer frustration, that if it is not a son this time then this is our last child, So at conception I must have been given an asterix besides a sign called hoose testosterone?hanging on a voluptuous naked woman, It is a different story that me being merely around four weeks old and being illiterate couldn have possibly understood what the sign meant and also that I was aiming for the woman. So what would be the reason in case I chose to be a female, other than being a shock to my mother at being so consistent?! I guess in that case I would want to be that voluptuous woman, in which case the sign won matter too. As in I am being a non-sexist, in making a choice depending on the signs we see, they are same for everybody, the fun lies in interpreting them, more so in the way they are interpreted. I had an encounter today with two women, both were lesser educated than I am, and were confident beyond doubt that I was wrong. This is a very controversial statement, because I left a very important piece of information out, that I in fact was right! Not very convincing is it? When they walked into my office, they needed to be considered for further consideration which was based on their belief. I on the other hand could not find a way to argue with them, one because of ever demented communication skills which have been hammered due to other non-specific reasons in life, and the other because I was seeing a sign on their heads, which read, on even try to duel with me, since when you will be using a knife, I possess an electric chain saw? I took all the battering, for the sole reason being my wish, to get over with the situation as soon as possible, which thankfully lasted for what seemed like an age! A few days ago I could not read a sign which read a proposal written all over it, and when it came, I was stumped, I had no floor beneath my feet, and the sky seemed to have lost it meaning. I was thinking about all the things that I should not have done in order for it have happened, and after doing that it seems that I had been blind for quiet some time now! Wanted to learn piano, didn do that! Wanted to open a sound company of my own, didn do that either! Wanted to buy a car, my own car, don think that will happen! Had a lucrative job opportunity, and haven called them back. Took up something that has broken me to bits everytime I took it up, and it makes me feel at home! I wonder what I read or where I read it, but it seems like a language, I know since before I was born.

Major

let me complete this post

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 08:44:25 GMT

This is a plea to every factor from me wanting to pee to the server shutting down just before I submit a post. For once just let me complete this one. i had written four times before this post and all of them just vanished into thin air because of some unavoidably stupid reason. Anyways stupidity has only slowed me down but it has just added one catch, made me stupid enough to choose the hard way and live. Does a thing like "the thought counts" exist is what I was gonna talk abou, since i do some amazingly crazy things as far as thinking is concerned, but only what manifests into actions matters. It is an overwhelming thing to see someone do things that others could only dream about, for example xtreme sports, fighting for a cause and being brutally murdered because you did so, so the thought that matters is actually the one which is continually sought after made strong enough is ustified by an individuals logic and also instincts and the last and the most important of all whether it manifests or not, if it does't then there is no point in it, writers have been able to affect people through history, fiction or fantasy due to the same principle, they did not keep their thought with themselves, they let it out on to the world,and when they proof read they are continually trying to make some sense out of it, for it to have the maximum desired effect. Corporate houses were made through enterprizing attitudes of the people working in it, alll they beleived in was to work and make money and hence they achieve it through the course of time some big and some small. It is like if certain amount of money is overwhelming to you it shall form a point beyond the one at which you shall be satisfied, and on the other hand if at all some one thinks that no amount of money is enough then he/she will allign in order to achieve it. Movement is the crux of everything. If humans were a powerful thought they must have chosen to move in order to live life's fulness, some might consider it a hurdle but it teaches a lot if one is ready to understand. Anyone can become whatever one wishes to, it is a matter of time, perseverance and damn it the bloody phone had to ring right now, so you see someone really wanted to get to me and he did. I hope I clear enough of me balbering things which made sense for more than two sentences, now I can sleep, all this because the fever and myalgia kept me awake for the past two days and I can stop my brain to stop racing, write delete, write delete and so on and so forth. God help me!

complete vella

Mon, 21 May 2007 11:11:35 GMT

well I guess most of you know what that means! But since i am at it i might as well tell you what it does mean. It means that I get to sit and get paid to do nothing at all, while I use my office to write stuff like this. I can see a line of pigeons happily eating away all that the heavily built sweating labourers happen to drop from their load of grains at the market downstairs. The office is a well lit place, with lots of sun coming through, which is highly irritating in the given senario of the summer eating on my skin. It is bloody burning out here! I did a shoot for a friend and somehow got two or three amazing shots, ....i hope he is dead! atleast now. The sun seems to be nibbling my sense of humor too, patheticness has become a daily norm, I don't see anything new happening otherwise. get bored of everything too easily, but i do give due considerations to having a crush for a minimum of five minutes atleast in honour of the almighty who takes a lot of pains to evoke this feeling in men for propogation of species. Haven't even had the chance of doing that either, and since i have a very imortante day coming up next month I think I better resort to pleasing myself at that, come to think of it, the last time i saw someone beautifull was not very far away in time, hmm nice feeling it is to remmeber something nice, sudden rush of being at the himalayas right at this moment, would be amazin miracle, rain baby rain, I need holiday, i need to cool down, I need to get drenched and I will complaining again when that happens then you can change into whatever seems to be dry and warm preferably, but no you will go into dry and cold!

I have given somework to my staff which he is unable to do since the past few days which is because he is not been doing it for the past few months and now he can't make any head or tail out of it. So if you want something done then do it yourself! but I have a different philosophy, he must undergo the truth scan for himself and realize the problem himself, i shall only guide. I don't feed, I teach how to fish! is more like the philosophy I believe in. i don't know why there is no bloody work happening at the office today?!! it would make me happy if I have a date or something so I could leave early, but it frustrates me If I have to come all the way and nothing happens, I would have rather sat at home doing something better. That reminds me of reading up something I must! I plan to learn the piano, but that I will decide upon the next month, since it is taxing and the teacher i plan to go to is very strict, somehow it is frustrating when you are on the other side of your own well believed philosophy!

i guess it is a complete and utter uselessness that one must go through at some point or the other, ...part of being a human being! :)

Friday, May 18, 2007

Fri, 18 May 2007 20:53:57 GMT

Here is something I read... and it made me wonder at many levels!

One Good Question

Posted 05/07/2007

Monica Kidd, BSc, MSc
Author Information

"He says he wanted to pray because he ate the salt and he thought he would be punished."

There are 5 of us -- me, a nurse, a resident, a pediatrician, and a translator -- huddled around a boy in a hospital bed, trying to unravel a mystery. H, the boy in question, has been in the hospital for 2 weeks and has had the complete "House, MD" work-up, and nothing appears to be wrong.

Except that something is very wrong. Two weeks ago, he stood up during mass, wandered over to the altar, and told the priest, "They're coming to get me." The priest and a physician in the congregation sat the boy down and tried to find out what was wrong. The only thing they could get from him was that his stomach hurt. They brought him to the hospital, where staff tried every diagnostic trick they knew. Security officers sat outside his door as he continued to do odd, inexplicable things.

When the medicine team had exhausted its differential, the boy was transferred to us in psychiatry as "abdominal pain, NYD [not yet diagnosed], and behavioral change; rule out psychosis." For the past week, he has indicated a different pain every day. He smiles and laughs at unexpected times. Mostly, though, he lies in his bed and stares at the wall or ceiling.

Psychosis is a tricky thing to get a handle on at the best of times, and this is emphatically not the best of times. H is a refugee. He was born into a civil war. His father was murdered. His brother and sister died in a refugee camp. After spending 3 years in a large city -- having been born in a rural area -- he and his family moved to Canada. He was put in a grade with kids his age, but he hadn't had the kind of formal education that they had had. His English abilities are improving but still limited. From what we can gather, he's never been outgoing. He might have posttraumatic stress disorder. He might have an adjustment disorder. He might be expressing depression through somatic complaints. In short, we can't rule out anything, even that he might have no illness at all. Maybe being punished for eating salt is an entirely real possibility for him. Very likely, we're missing something.

H haunts me. He'll answer yes and no questions, but it's not at all clear whether his answers indicate how he really feels. He utters the occasional phrase -- "This is where the dog bit me" and "My throat burns" -- but mostly, I say his name again and again to try to see if he is listening. When I ask him how he feels in his heart, whether he is happy or sad or frightened or angry, he points to his belly or his throat and says, "It's bad."

This morning I showed up at work to learn that H had spent the night making marks on his belly with a tab from a soda can, telling his uncle he needed an operation to "get it out."

H haunts me because I cannot reach him. I know he understands me -- he can follow the bizarre ritual of a cranial nerve exam without difficulty -- but I can't seem to help him express himself. And it's not just the language barrier; even with a translator, we get only truncated, somewhat odd answers. Every day, I walk into his room in the morning, make some small talk, and retreat to write my progress note, feeling intellectually paralyzed.

I don't know if we'll ever find out what's wrong with H. Very likely, we'll send him home with whatever it is that makes his throat burn and his belly ache enough to want an operation. Very likely, I will feel as if my own cultural and imaginative limitations have left a gulf between us. And I will wonder if I might have helped him with one good question I never thought to ask.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 21:45:20 GMT

Take me in arms of light show me why you smile when in pain,

I am lost in memory of moments, Find me, cut me loose, let me drain.

My chest still feels heavy as if a head still rests on it, trying to listen hard for me,

I look up, and I am not high, not high enough, cause where I am, that's the only persepective I can see.

Fluid is the state of affairs, and a matter of fact is blunt but sharp enough to cut through lies,

I am flowing, cause the truth is like the moon and the sun, no matter what, it always shines.

If you can remember Your wishes well then may be you will realize it too,

You had wished for the arms of light, tried hard to listen, seeked the truth, and were careful for what you wished for, too!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 19:38:13 GMT

It is what i see in this lingering spot light, it never stay on anyone thing at one time but it moves in very mysterious ways. what i see is what it rests on, i wait for it to move so i can see more, the more i see the more i start believing that What i see has a pattern, or rather i have been shown this because only i can make any head or tail of things i see. If i am somewhere then i am meant to be there and there only. i was rude to childeren begging on the street, i didn't need to, If I ignored them long enough they would have gone away. But i had to be my elemental self. I realized that I was completely broke and that is crushing, when i have a lot of bills to pay, kind of feels like been cornered with those children in my face. even my mind knows me better than i do myself! My Friend is gonna come over on saturday to study, i hope we do something constructive, otherwise we'll end up discussing women we have met over the week, which is weird since we seldom used to discuss them other than the physical attributes analogous to nothing less than fireworks. someone seeked me and i manifested for her but somehow I don't feel anything that i expected to feel. My Uncle used to say, "No acheivement is worth it after you have acheived it."When he said that i didn't believe in playing a game to win, heck i don't even remember why i played in the first place? This friend of mine, he for some reason speaks a lot freely than we ever did in the last eight years that we have known each other, But i didn't feel it to be strange, i couldn't see that change. Ripples were there underneath always nudging me towards something or the other, i am still flowing/floating/riding depending on how i feel but it is true that i am a continuous flux! Colours change and the rave continues, no highs needed, life is more than enough...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 20:02:27 GMT

I haven't written in a long time as in atleast not in an unencryted manner. Last few months have been very blissful. Not that my dad wasn't operated upon, not that my mom's blood pressure didn't rise because she is stuck in time and keeps putting herself through what happened twenty years back, not that they haven't been on talking terms since before I was born, not that my sis who already is a living medical dictionary of endocrine/surgical/psychiatric conditons was now detected to have another ailment which has just broken her will. Rest of them are all equally dysfunctional including me. I was having this conversation with Danielle, and it struck me that if most of the families are dysfunctional then it must be pretty normal to be dysfunctional. There is love ofcourse, but no one really speak about it, it is seriously... just in the air! The last few months have been blissful because I think I can be of immense help to all these individuals. In my time of despair I seldom seek answers, but they do and untill they do I shall be there for them, and when they don't seek I will play with their minds and make them seek. Eitherways I will share my bliss with them. Ren pray to God but don't look up but close your eyes and look into you, cause for me you are his manifestation. Miss Shackled15 sing and feel and be every inch of what you are cause you have the spirit to become what you like. Danielle let your kindness and compassion express in minds and the games you like so that I can understand myself better. Outkast86 "I am what I am" Strength in soul and life you live with choices you make. Silent resilience, sometimes everything's the name, you have a way with words, one of the most passionate people I ve met in thought. Whiff of chick I hope you and the little one have more stories to come. Many more, some make me laugh and some leave me speechless, thinking that it is impossible that GOD must just be one entity.

Thank you!